October 29, 2003 @ 2:16 a.m.
What?

I'm all a-flutter and confused and stuff at the moment. The last couple of days have been the Days of Brutal Honesty. Not from me, aimed at me. And while on the odd occasion I've quite literally asked for it, I'm still reeling and I'd be lying if I said I'm unaffected. That all sounds very imprecise, doesn't it?

Mostly it boils down to me going out drinking minus Stuart on Saturday night, and people taking the opportunity to tell me exactly what they think of him and our relationship. Mostly it was okay. Mostly. It's made me realise that people are really fucking different about how they express and perceive emotions, though. Yeah, I know, three years at Uni and that's the best I can come up with. But it's all been a little strange.

Apparently we're weird as a couple and he's not serious about me, as evidenced by the fact that we're not rushing to move in together and he's not focused solely on getting a ring on my finger and an heir from my womb. Yes, really. We obviously have some sort of horrible deficiency in our relationship that nothing can overcome. Maybe this is what happens when you're 20 years old and most of your friends are in their mid and late twenties and their thirties and you're in really fucking different stages of your lives. Or maybe I just hang out with rude, insensitive, smug and self-righteous fuckwits.

I'd like to think my friends and their various partners are not fuckwits, though. Hell, I know they're not. But the fact that they're doing the "grown up" thing I'm in no state or hurry to do cannot be denied. I don't think it's a dealbreaker, but I think it could easily turn into a wedge.

That said, I have this leaden dread in my belly that in five years time I'll be trying in vain to find polite responses to the snide and smug "so, when are you and Stu going to tie the knot, already?"

In five years from now I will be 25-nearly-26 and certainly still too young for all the things these people seem to deem imperative.

I don't get it. This entry so far is a statement of disbelief. Because everyone around me seems to be rushing into mortgages and marriage and where they'll send the children they haven't conceived yet to school. Because everyone around me seems deathly afraid of being young and having fun with their lives. Because it feels like I'm the only one who just wants to sit in the wading pool on a hot summer day drinking beer. Because it feels like they're looking at me like I'm weird because I've got a five year life plan but it involves Uni and getting published and travelling and adventures, and doesn't involve saving up the deposit for my investment property.

Because I feel like I'm going to be left behind if I don't hurry with them into something none of us are ready for.

I guess those drunken bar conversations got to me slightly more than I realised.

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