nude twister
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November 26, 2003 @ 5:44 p.m. So, today marks the occasion of 21 years since my birth. I have thus far spent the day holed up in my room, chowing down on drugs and communing with tissues. I would have the 'flu on my birthday, of course. I have this personal tradition of crap things happening on alledgedly notable days. Although being sick isn't as bad as, say, the car-mangling accident I was in on my 19th which landed me with lasting back problems. Nor is it even as bad as the less dramatic but more bittersweet anniversary dumping I received once. I was fourteen years old and going out with this boy who I thought was The Shit (turns out he was just A Shit). It was our seven month anniversary, and I was really excited because it was my longest relationship ever. I waited for him at the front gates of the school. When he finally arrived, about two minutes before the bell rang, I said "Guess what? It's our seven month anniversary today!" to which he replied "Guess what? You're dumped." I've never really been all that keen about anniversaries since. I've also managed to avoid being dumped ever again by acting preemptively every time since. Yay me and my emotional bastardism! But it's been a nice birthday, also quite drawn out; celebrations started last Saturday and will be going until the end of this week. This is one of the good aspects of having a dysfunctional, "broken" immediate family. People have given me things with a lot of personal significance, which is nice. I've also received two necklaces from Stuart, only one of which was of his usual pearl variety. ANYWAY! Attempting a smooth segue and most likely failing miserably, allow me to provide you with a handy guide on how to celebrate your 21st or other significant event, Nudie-style. Nudie's Handy Guide to Celebrating Your 21st or Other Significant Event 1)Awaken really, really early after not getting enough sleep and having a late night owing to the fact that Jello Biafra is a very, very talky man. 2) Clean the areas of your house you didn't get to at one a.m. the previous night, including some dusty areas that get you nicely sneezy. 3) Nine-thirty finds you pretty much prepared but outside the house in your boyfriend's car, realising it's a really shitty day weather-wise and also that the barbecues you're planning on using have been booked out. 4) Proceed to bawl noisily into boyfriend's chest and have tirade on How Your Life is Shit and Nothing Ever Works Out. Flip off person who stares at you as they walk past. 5) Take a few deep breaths. Go to shopping centre for remaining supplies. Mood improved dramatically by boyfriend's purchase of flowers, danish. 6) Stake out barbecue in park from 11:30am. Have supplies ready. Expect people to turn up from about noon, which is when you asked them to. 7) Your friend and her boyfriend, who are bringing some of your supplies with them, arrive. Friend gives you birthday present and demands you open it. Open it to discover new handbag. Open handbag to discover more presents. Open one; it is cute g-string. Wave it around showing people. Turn head to left, see boyfriend's father and sister a few metres away. Discreetly put g-string away and decide to wait a moment before opening other package which contains same. 8) 2:30pm. People start arriving. By this time you are stressed and upset and convinced that nobody actually likes you. 9) Between 2:30 and about 5:30, more people arrive, you realise that about a third of the people who said they'd come have actually turned up, you decide fuck it and that you're having a good time anyway, get a wee bit tipsy, spill chick drink all over yourself, get close friend who is also ex-girlfriend to lick it off (someone takes photo), covert groping by boyfriend. Are reminded quite heartily of why you rarely mix friendship groups when one of your friends starts slagging off other friends she has just met. Feel annoyed momentarily and decide it's well and truly her problem, not yours. Boyfriend leaves to drive his sister home and get some sleep. Offer of blowjob does not reverse this decision, but does delay its enactment. 10) Relax into lying in sunshine drinking beer and listening to people's grand plans. Catch up with latecomer friends you haven't seen in months. Enjoy self immensely. 11) 6:30pm. Most guests shuffle off, some to other engagements, others to recuperate because they're sick. You and remaining guests pack up and pile into friend's car for 100-metre drive to house. Feel foolish and amused by this fact. 12) Proceed to drink more once back at house, joined by your housemates who were largely no-shows due to sickness, work and in one case, having moved in that very day. All-female drunken hilarity ensues, plus the eating of chocolate and salad. 13) An ex-type person messages you out of the blue and asks you if you want to come to his place and hang out with him and his new "umfriend" and get stoned. Decline on grounds of drunkenness. Half an hour or so later, message him back suggesting he and umfriend come and hang out with you, and get stoned in the park. He declines on grounds of being "a bit ripped", which is sort of how you're "a bit drunk" and prone to falling over right at that minute. Postpone indefinitely. 14) At some point end up sitting on front porch with friend/ex, shooting the proverbial shit. She shares her concerns about her live-in boyfriend and his drugs and mooching habits, and you try to offer advice, probably not very well. 15) The pair of you eventually give up on relationship talk and start declaring everything to be heteronormative, including your shoes and the murdered cicada your cat proudly drops onto the porch in front of you. 16) Well, what do you expect from two drunken Arts students well-versed in queer issues and feminist theory? Dick jokes? 17) Oh, who am I kidding, we're not adverse to dick jokes at all. 18) Everyone else joins you on the porch for shit shooting. 19) Three words: Fun With Sparklers. 20) Show guests your bedroom, where they are impressed with your vast array of titty pictures and nudey books, and also Errol the Wonder Futon, whom you still haven't managed to break despite vast quantities of enthusastic sex. 20) One of your guests decides she is hungry. Try to feed her more barbecue food but she wants Burger King/Hungry Jack's. 21) After nearly an hour of the two of you uming and ahing about going out (the Can We Really Be Bothered Dilemma), you and her get into her car (she's sober at this point) and drive to your local burger merchant. 22) Local burger merchant is closed at the outrageously early hour of 10pm on a Sunday night, so you hit on the bright idea of driving the exta couple of minutes to Chapel St for guaranteed burger action. 23) Sit in Chapel St Burger Jack's (which name does that one have? I didn't really take the time to notice), giggling and whispering "heteronormative!" under your breath at each other. There is some staring action from other people. 24) Tumble out of Hungry King and decide to pay visit to local porn shop in hope of finding replacement for vibrator that died some months previous. 25) Do not find said vibrator but spend large amount of money on various other toys. Chat with store clerk, realise how much cooler a porn sales assistant you made than he does. Have brief pang of regret and missing old job. Creepy leery man comes in and asks clerk lots of questions in arseholeish "I am so embarrassed about the fact that I masturbate" tone. Cease missing old job. 26) Friend buys you copy of swingers' magazine. Wonder if she is trying to drop hints. Again. 27) Roll on home for more hijinks. Start to feel a little under the weather. Throat hurts; must be dehydration (or perhaps THE BEGINNING OF YOU BEING REALLY REALLY FUCKING SICK). See remaining partygoers off and tumble into bed. 28) Wake up the next day hangover-free but seriously ill with 'flu. Have the distinct impression that you've been dreaming about John Howard again. So, that was my Sunday. I've just watched the Lego version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which was terribly amusing. I was supposed to be dragging people out for dinner but I think I feel like getting takeaway and eating it in the park with my assorted attending homies. It's been a good day, all in all. Especially the bit about being car-accident and break-up free. |