June 05, 2003 @ 2:36 a.m.
The Bosom Distribution Theory

I came up with what I believe is a brilliant theory about breasts a couple of days ago.

As often happens when I am struck with brilliant (or brilliantly smutty) thoughts, I was standing in the kitchen, talking to Deirdre and her sister Alison who was hanging out at our place. I had not long returned from the gym, and was still in my workout clothes.

It was my sportsbra that gave me the idea. Man, that thing is an amazing feat of brarchitecture. Not only is it super-supportive and comfy, but it makes my breasts look about two cup sizes smaller. It's quite refreshing to be able to see my feet when I look down.

I'm not sure quite what the thought processes were for developing my theory. I think it was really realising that I am capital-S Stacked. I mean, this is something I know, and if I didn't then I would have learned from drunken leery men in bars, but there's a difference between knowing something and realising it, if you follow me. I had a Moment of Clartitty, as it were.

And I was reminded of a time when my dear Leah and I were conversing, and she was saying she'd like bigger breasts, and I was saying that I wouldn't mind having a little less, because there's no functional reason for anyone to have an entire deli-full of sweater meat.

I can't believe I just wrote that last line.

Anyway, I was thinking back to that conversation of long ago. And a theory started to form, which I ran by Alison and Deirdre.

You know how you always hear about how there is actually enough food for everyone in the world, and that people starving to death is a result of corporate greed, poor distribution, etc?

Well, maybe there's a problem with the distriubtion of breast tissue, too. Suppose there's enough actual breast in the world for every woman to be like, a C cup or something, but it's just not being shared equally. I mean, the Nippled Terrors go okay on my frame, but I could stand to lose a couple of cup sizes' worth and still be endowed and, more importantly, proportionate. There's plenty of chicks who don't need as much as they've got, and plenty who could really do with a little more, especially if the stupid bitches are going to wear those damn "they're real" t-shirts.

So, giving this theory its logical application in regards to me, somewhere out there is a girl whose small breasts are ENTIRELY MY OWN, PERSONAL FAULT.

How will I ever live with the guilt?

<<|>>