May 12, 2003 @ 3:24 p.m.
An open letter

Dear Henry Rollins,

I enjoyed your spoken word show on Wednesday night, I really did. For the most part you were funny and engaging, if somewhat longwinded. However, there are a few points of contention I'd like to have a word with you about.

Firstly, your greeting and how you banged on about how much you love Australia. Well, I hope you like Australia, it's a pretty nice country apart from the politicians and religous leaders. But see, we hear that a lot from visiting entertainers: blah blah Australia rocks blah blah. We know that. We live here. It comes of no surprise to anyone except visiting Americans who are under the impression that the whole nation is the cultural equivalent of Buttfuck, Idaho. So we don't really need to be reminded. Also, and this isn't just in regard to yourself, Henry, but famous American people in general: if Australia's so great, why don't any of you move here? The only person I can think of who's followed through with this "I LOVE Australia!!!" bullshit is Ben Folds, and he moved to Adelaide, so he's obviously slightly insane and thus hardly a good representative.
I realise this isn't your fault, Henry: you didn't start the trend and you won't be the last person to give us empty words about how great we are, but you see, it's all wearing a bit thin. Every time some American comes over here (and it usually is an American, because the British still see us as a colony) for a couple of days and craps on about how much they love Australia, well, it's sort of like a slap on the arse and a "I'll call you, baby" - TO THE ENTIRE NATION.

So yeah, you don't really have to come over here and tell us how great our country is or how cool we are, because those of us who aren't pretending to be Americans already know that.

Secondly, Henry, I've really got to take you to task over some stuff you said about women. Now, I get the impression that you like to think of yourself as a pretty cool guy who's up with all that equality shit. In light of that, there's a few things that didn't quite add up.

Firstly, you mentioned at the beginning that you're pissed off. Well, of course you are: you're Henry Rollins, that's what you've made a career out of. And hey, you've even got some good reasons for being pissed off, some of which you shared with us when you weren't telling us about your manager's kids or the Hollywood casting couch. However, you also spent some time telling us about Heidi, one of your employees, who sounds like a pretty angry woman. But according to you, she's not actually angry, she's just permanently PMSing. Doesn't this strike you as just a little bit hypocritical, Henry? Doesn't this just, sortakindamaybe, fall into the old patriarchal mode of thinking that goes for the idea that women are never really legitimately angry about anything, it's only ever hormonal and they'll snap out of it after a good cry and a bit of condescension from the men in their lives? Maybe she's legitimately angry about something, Henry. Or maybe she doesn't exist at all and you thought you'd play up a tired stereotype for laughs. Either way, it doesn't really digest all that well.

The other thing I'd like to mention is your seemingly genuinely aggrieved statement about beautiful women always dating drunk bastards. Certainly, it's a problem that has men have mulled over for some time; some of them even make websites about it. What the question usually really comes down to, as it did notably in the case of the Chicks Suck Guy and many others, is not "why do they date those guys?" but rather "why aren't they dating ME?". I sense there's rather more than a little envy in your asking of the question, Hank.

All I can really offer in terms of an answer is that beautiful women have as much right to be shallow as the guys who get pissed off about not getting to date them. Often those "arseholes" they're dating (and I'm not going to argue that women don't date walking, talking herpes sores at times, because I know it's true too) are very rich and/or good looking. Is that a shallow reason for dating someone? Hell yeah. Do guys have any right to call women on this shit and accuse them of said shallowness? Of course. Where this shit begins to stink is when guys get all morally righteous about it, because usually they're conveniently forgetting that the only reason they're so pissed in the first place is that they're not getting to bang the beautiful woman, whom they only want in the first place because she's beautiful. Dating someone, or wanting to date them, for their physical beauty is just as shallow as dating/wanting to date someone because of their bank account. Neither instance allows for moral superiority. Get angry all you want, but don't pretend that you're any deeper in intent than the Beautiful Ones. You know, I've never known a guy to get riled up over the unfairness of an uncommonly rich and/or handsome dude getting to have sex with a chick who's merely quite pretty, or smart, or pants-crappingly funny. But of course the blame is always transferred to these shallow, beautiful women, rather than being shared among the shallow, less-than-beautiful men. Sometimes the people you want aren't the same people who want you, and this is an unfortunate fact of life I have learned over and over again whilst fending off unbecoming drunks in the dingy pubs of Melbourne. I share it with you now because even though I've spent the last few hundred words kind of having a go at you, it's really because I care. Honest.

Overall, Henry, it was an entertaining night. You're nothing if not engaging, and I enjoyed the majority of what you had to say. It was just the little flies in the ointment on occasions that rubbed me up the wrong way, if I may willfully mix and mangle a few metaphors. And hey, I had a tummy full of falafel, a comfy seat and good company, all of which I consider to be aspects of a good night out. I just would have been even better if I had not been confronted with quite as many tired cliches out of the mouth of someone whom I expected better from.

With warm regards,

Your fan,

Rev
xx

<<|>>