August 27, 2003 @ 2:15
God's Bastard Children, Apocalypso Style

A while ago I received an email from Melissa, my evil Floridian twin. She was asking me write about what I'd do in the event that the apocalypse finally decided to occur and I was one of the few survivors.

I thought about this at some length. The first conclusion I came to was that I really wasn't sure. I ran it by Stuart and somehow we got onto the topic of how he'd cannibalise me to stay alive. I was kind of offended until he pointed out that he wouldn't kill me in order to feed himself, he'd just eat my corpse if I had already died in an unrelated manner. I was pleased that he clarified things, but I changed the topic before he could start thinking about what else he could do to my dead body.

So I thought some more. A scenario emerged, whereby myself and a handful of attractive and nubile specimens of both genders were left, and none of us seemed to have very many clothes. My mind very quickly went off on a tangent as to how we'd spend our time, with particular attention to recreation and also keeping warm. I decided to keep that scenario to myself.

Another scenario emerged, whereby Stuart and I were the only people left on Earth, and it was up to us to repopulate. And I very clearly saw us turn to each other, shrug and say "Meh. Fuck that". I think this was some perfect post-apocalyptic world where there was a lot of birth control. Also, many pearl necklaces. I had this nice little fantasy about not having to deal with the Masses for the rest of eternity. It was swell.

I wouldn't want the responsibility of repopulating the world. I'd be okay for the first generation, but I don't think I'd want to know that my children were breeding with each other. I mean, sure, there's something all Biblical about it, but have a look at how well God's bastard children turned out the first time. I don't bloody think so. Plus, if that was allowed to happen, within a couple of generations there'd be that many health problems we'd all get eaten by the super new race of dinosaurs anyway (they got resurrected by the effects of nuclear warfare, dummy), the ones who can shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

And then there's looks. Everyone would look horribly, horribly similar. Stuart and I look like siblings as it is. Well, maybe not siblings precisely, but definitely poster children for the Aryan Nation. That would only be exacerbated over a few generations.

So I think that if humanity all goes pear-shaped (moreso than usual) and I'm one of the few, if not the only, womb-possessing citizens left, it's imperative that I don't breed. Hopefully all the stupid people and the arseholes and anyone who's ever had a personalised licence plate on their car (cf stupid people) will die horribly, and I'll finally get some peace.

Melissa darling, I hope this has been informative.

<<|>>